I don't know what I'm doing

My current work in my OJT inspire me for this post. Since we're currently making blogs, poser accounts, forum accounts for our "SEO" job. I just suddenly felt like blogging again. Maybe because, there's no one to talk to right now. Someone who can let me express everything I feel without neglecting me in the middle. PROBLEM. Here we go again, I again have this f*cking big problem. I'm currently having hard time choosing what to push through with my career. I already have a job but my job is not as IT as I expect. I wanted another job, or simply another company. I don't know if by problem is my job or the company or am I just feeling lonely since I don't have any girl friend working with me anymore in the company. I hated my work, or do I just hate doing nothing since we're still being oriented with our work and it bores me.

What I did to solve this problem, is that I for another job. A job much related with my course but when I came to their company, I saw all the negative possible careers I'm heading to. Don't get me wrong, the company name is good, the equipment can really help me to learn more about my course. But my only problem is the working environment looks like a service center. Then I talked to one of my classmate that has already started his OJT in that company and he told me that the work suits the course but you will never get the satisfaction of being an IT Professional when you work with something like that. 

I suddenly remembered my craziest encounter with an IT specialist. Actually my first encounter with an IT specialist. He's working on SM Appliances, he helps the customer choose what appliance to buy. He explains every specs of each appliances. I suddenly felt shivers in my whole body. I'm currently a freshmen or sophomore that time and my first encounter of a guy working in the same field as me works in an appliance center doing talks like a salesman. I don't look down to salesman or whatever, but my field is different from their field. I don't see myself graduated with Bachelor Degree in IT and then working as a saleslady in an appliance store. I see myself working with Google, or Intel, or Facebook, or any IT related company. I want to be an innovator. And then I was back in the office of the company I was applying for. I feel like I'm heading right where I was trying to avoid. Though, the boss is really nice.

So I was torn, if I should just continue my job in a company I like but I hate the job or if I should work in a company I do not prefer but I like the job? But I guess the real problem is not that question but who should I ask to help me achieve a decision that I will never regret in the future. There are people talking to me about the problem, but all they say is to go to whatever my heart feels or worst, they just keep on asking me what should I do. I can't even talk to my family, since all they tell me is to settle my OJT so that I can finish in time.  I wanted to talk to the right person but when I thought of someone that can help me, that someone never contacted me. Well, she tried but then just before I tell her what my problem is, she hung up. Sometimes, I thought that they are like that because I was never a good friend. That I don't deserve their care since I never expressed my care for them. But why do I feel that I at least deserve some? I always hear stories from them about their other friends, I just get jealous. I always thought "what did I do wrong to deserve to be neglected?"

I don't know. Sometimes, I just try to forget all these stupid thought but it keeps on coming back. Now, I thought that maybe it's already time to let go. To move on. To let go those things that I kept on holding back.

PS: Forgive me for my emo post. I'm so depressed while I write this. ;)

TPH