Love Confusion

Does anybody know the real meaning of love? Can even give a definite definition of it? Can you say you know what it is once you've experienced it? I, myself is wondering about these stuff. 

I have read an original composition that made me think of these things. While I was reading the essay, I constantly ask myself if I've already fallen in love in any way. My answer is: I don't know. I've never been in a relationship nor in a confusing commitment. I don't know if I should be thankful or miserable about this.

Yes, I've been infatuated a lot of times and I can easily admit that. I've been infatuated with someone's physical appearance, with someone's humor, with someone's angst and with someone's personality. I even been infatuated with someone's small gesture for me. But I can't directly say that I've fallen in love in one way or another. I've said I'm in love while having crush with someone but can you count it as falling in love? I don't know. I always thought that I only say those things because of the spur of the moment. I've been infatuated to the extent of doing martyr things for a man. I even do a lot of crazy stuff just because I like a guy. But can you say that I've fallen in love? I still don't know. I've been disappointed because of infatuation but I've never experience severe heartache. According to the essay I've read, that's a way to tell if you've been in love. So does that answer my question too?

They say the life expectancy of an average person is 60 years old. That means, I've already lived a third of my life. It also means I've been single for 20 years now. Do I really need to have a relationship to experience love? I don't know. I often say that I love being what I am right now and I'm not disappointed for not having a partner. I don't even pressure myself in having a relationship now but honestly, I want to experience love. I even want to experience heartache. They say that gives you knowledge in living your life, I want that. 

I don't know the point of this post. All I know is that I've been inspired with a statement of a man. It pushed me to give a thought about my life. For that, I thank him. :) TPH

Monday Madness

It's been a while since my last post. Well, what's new? I visit this blog everytime I think I need to express something that I can't express through the 140 characters of twitter.

Well. What now? Why did I blog? I had this very frustrating experience this morning that thought me a lesson. NEVER EVER BE LATE.

I slept late last night. Maybe that's one of the reason but I guess my habit of napping after sleep that caught me. I was already awake at 4am. I was even able to talk to my brother about something. Now because of my very irritating morning, I forgot what we talked about. Oh, I even complain about my dozen of alarm for me not to late. (But then again, I was late). So I took a nap right after I talked to my brother, I was even able to tweet something. Then, the next thing I remember, I was up by 6:30.

When you hear it, it doesn't seem so alarming. It's still one and a half hour from my expected time in. So I took a bath. I even had the chance to choose an outfit that would make me pretty. (Well, if I was not this haggard). I finished prepping at 6:50. Okay it's kind of alarming. 1 hour is never enough for my travel. So I rode the usual jeep going to LRT. When I arrive at Roosevelt. That's when my misery started. WTF IS THIS FCKING LINE??? Not only that LRT is controlling the no. of people already, the end of the line is already at the end of the market. Seriously, I won't be arriving Buendia anytime soon with that kind of line. So I thought of another route. The only think I was able to think is the España route. Thinking that my only problem with that is traffic, I took the risk. So I took another jeep going back to Pantranco. I paid 100 pesos of course thinking of having my change. So I kind of panic about the time and all. I wasn't able to think straight. So I arrive Pantranco, I immediately rode off the jeep. I was now waiting for an FX, shuttle of even bus going straight to Buendia. THERE WAS NONE. So I felt the BV already. Then I thought of riding a taxi then I suddenly remembered. I FCKING FORGOT MY CHANGE. So I curse and curse while waiting for an FX, regret everything. But I tried to forget about it and tried to wait for FX again. I WAS SNATCHED OFF AN FX FOR THREE TIMES. I mean, seriously? What could be worst than that? I was late. I won't catch my 8am call time but I can arrive 9am. So I decided to take any FX going to España because I know FX and shuttle from Cubao are all going to Buendia.

So I already in España. WTF?? ALL FX AND SHUTTLE GOING TO BUENDIA CUT TRIP IN MORAYTA. I still tried to wait for an FX. I was able to saw two, the first one just forgot to take the sign, the other was again snatched off. So I fcking settle myself with a jeep going to Vito Cruz. But then I forgot that it's en route to Mabini.

So fine, I am in Mabini, I'm almost late, so I decided to take a bus when I got off in V. Cruz. But I don't have cash. So I tried to find a bank and that's where I'll got off. I was able to see one BPI. But I'm still far from MOA. So I skipped that one and find something else. Again, THERE WAS NONE. I tried to find a BPI or PNB but there was none. So I just got off at V. Cruz. There was still no bank and I saw a taxi. So I just rode that one and went straight to my office. I SPENT MY COLLECTION MONEY. I felt so heartbroken about what I did. But I don't have a fcking choice.

And that's the end of my BV Monday. Sorry for my trying hard English. I wanted to use words that can describe my experience best but there are some English words that can't be as expressive as those Filipino words. And sorry for all my "so...". Hihi. And oh, my internship place is in Solaire. So imagine all my adventure going to MOA. 😊

TPH

I don't know what I'm doing

My current work in my OJT inspire me for this post. Since we're currently making blogs, poser accounts, forum accounts for our "SEO" job. I just suddenly felt like blogging again. Maybe because, there's no one to talk to right now. Someone who can let me express everything I feel without neglecting me in the middle. PROBLEM. Here we go again, I again have this f*cking big problem. I'm currently having hard time choosing what to push through with my career. I already have a job but my job is not as IT as I expect. I wanted another job, or simply another company. I don't know if by problem is my job or the company or am I just feeling lonely since I don't have any girl friend working with me anymore in the company. I hated my work, or do I just hate doing nothing since we're still being oriented with our work and it bores me.

What I did to solve this problem, is that I for another job. A job much related with my course but when I came to their company, I saw all the negative possible careers I'm heading to. Don't get me wrong, the company name is good, the equipment can really help me to learn more about my course. But my only problem is the working environment looks like a service center. Then I talked to one of my classmate that has already started his OJT in that company and he told me that the work suits the course but you will never get the satisfaction of being an IT Professional when you work with something like that. 

I suddenly remembered my craziest encounter with an IT specialist. Actually my first encounter with an IT specialist. He's working on SM Appliances, he helps the customer choose what appliance to buy. He explains every specs of each appliances. I suddenly felt shivers in my whole body. I'm currently a freshmen or sophomore that time and my first encounter of a guy working in the same field as me works in an appliance center doing talks like a salesman. I don't look down to salesman or whatever, but my field is different from their field. I don't see myself graduated with Bachelor Degree in IT and then working as a saleslady in an appliance store. I see myself working with Google, or Intel, or Facebook, or any IT related company. I want to be an innovator. And then I was back in the office of the company I was applying for. I feel like I'm heading right where I was trying to avoid. Though, the boss is really nice.

So I was torn, if I should just continue my job in a company I like but I hate the job or if I should work in a company I do not prefer but I like the job? But I guess the real problem is not that question but who should I ask to help me achieve a decision that I will never regret in the future. There are people talking to me about the problem, but all they say is to go to whatever my heart feels or worst, they just keep on asking me what should I do. I can't even talk to my family, since all they tell me is to settle my OJT so that I can finish in time.  I wanted to talk to the right person but when I thought of someone that can help me, that someone never contacted me. Well, she tried but then just before I tell her what my problem is, she hung up. Sometimes, I thought that they are like that because I was never a good friend. That I don't deserve their care since I never expressed my care for them. But why do I feel that I at least deserve some? I always hear stories from them about their other friends, I just get jealous. I always thought "what did I do wrong to deserve to be neglected?"

I don't know. Sometimes, I just try to forget all these stupid thought but it keeps on coming back. Now, I thought that maybe it's already time to let go. To move on. To let go those things that I kept on holding back.

PS: Forgive me for my emo post. I'm so depressed while I write this. ;)

TPH

Sudden Change

Dahil nagdesisyon ako dati na magsinungaling, 'eto ako ngayon, feeling ko hindi ako makahinga, parang ang dami-dami kong iniisip. PARANG LAGING MAY PROBLEMA. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako dumating sa puntong 'to. Alam ko sa sarili ko malayong-malayo yung dating ako sa kung ano yung nakikita ko ngayon. Hindi ko alam pero parang bigla na lang ako nagbago pero bakit naman sa lahat ng pagbabago, ganito naman kasama yung pinagbago ko? Hindi ko na-imagine yung sarili ko na aabot sa ganitong punto na parang naging isang major disappointment ako. Hindi naman ako ganito dati 'e. Siguro dati may mga pagkukulang na ko pero hindi ko naimagine na aabot sa ganitong punto na magiging ako yung taong pinagtatawanan ko dati. Yung nilalait-lait ko, yung dinedegrade ko. Minsan iniisip ko, tama na. Hindi ko na kaya, parang hindi na natatapos. Parang walang hanggan na. Hindi na ko makahinga. Bigla-bigla na lang ako umiiyak kung saan-saan, kung kailan man. Parang na nga kong baliw tuwing iniisip ko, "masaya naman ako kanina, ba't biglang ganito?" Hindi ko isinapubliko ko itong nararamdaman ko dahil naghahanap ako ng awa. Gusto ko lang ilabas kung ano yung bumabara sa'kin. Para kasing all of a sudden napuno yung problem capsule ko. Wala ng lalagyanan sa panibago pero kahit anong gawin kong isan'tabi yung mga problema kong hindi ko pa masosolusyunan ngayon, parang araw-araw ko pa'rin siyang naiisip, prinoproblema. Ayoko ng awa, ayoko ng half-hearted na console from people na hindi naman alam kung bakit ganito yung nararamdaman ko. Kaya nga ko nagdesisyon magsinungaling 'di ba? Siguro para sa iba ang babaw ko, na kumpara sa problema ko, may mas malalaki silang problema sa'kin. Kaso ang problema, hindi naman ako accustomed sa ganitong setup. Hindi ako ginawa na malakas sa ganito 'e. Baka isipin ng iba, napakababaw ko, na kumpara sa kanila na kinakaya kahit mas malaki yung problema nila, 'eto ko namomroblema ng maliit para sa kanila. Nadidisappoint ako sa sarili ko kasi alam ko na may expectation ako na kailangang abutin kaso di ko inaabot. Mababa na nga yung binigay nilangexpectation, di ko pa kinaya. Minsan iniisip ko, ano kaya nangyari kung hindi ko sinunod yung gusto ko? Kung tumuloy ako dun sa ayaw ko pero mas mababa pa yung expectation, siguro mas okay siguro ako pero wala na e. Pinili ko 'to at kailangan kong panindigan 'to, HANGGANG DULO. Pinipilit ko na kayanin. Walang ibang choice kundi magtagumpay. There's no excuse for failure. Sana in the midst ng pagbabago na 'to kayanin ko. Kahit na hindi ko alam kung pa'no ko pagtatagumpayan 'to, sana kayanin ko. I know this blog should've been an all English blog but I guess I can't express what I really feel if I would write it down in a language that I know I still have to check. Maybe I won't be feeling kind of relieve if I express all of this things in English. I know it's lame but I need this.

I Decided to Lie. Just Lie

This past few days has been really hard for me. Mood keeps on swinging back and forth until I don't even know what I really feel. I've been feeling alone and worthless at some point. I don't like feeling like this. I'm a woman who loves herself more than anything else but why do I keep on feeling this way? It feels like I don't even know why I'm still here. I think this is depression. Feeling incomplete and over thinking a lot of things. I wish I knew what people are thinking about me. What they feel around me. I just want some reason to believe I'm not alone.

This maybe triggered by my problems. I don't know who to talk to and who can really make me feel secured. I kept on thinking that I'm always pushing myself to people. Having the thought that if I don't, they might not care for me at all. I've been in this state 3 years ago but that time, I was able to find people who really cared for me. But why can't I find someone right now? I made a dozen of new friends but why do I feel like I never gain any? I have a lot of problems. Problems that I want to vent in to someone but who? Months ago, I found new set of people who can make me feel important or I thought so. People who doesn't laugh at me because I'm a joke but laugh at me because I'm just really happy. I tried to cry in front of them. Well, I actually did. But it made myself even more funny in front of them. Crying without any good reason. I've been clingy to them not even realizing I'm forgetting venting on my long time friends who knew me more them. The moment I realized that I want to spend more time with my long time friends, they're gone. They became too distant that I don't even think I can reach to them at all. I tried saving it. Meeting them even just once would make me feel secure again. But why didn't I feel that way? Too emotional I guess.

Then there came the time that I had a problem. A problem that I don't even know how to solve. I tried telling people about it but why do I feel that they just half-heartedly comfort me? Telling me to cheer up, that it would never turn out the way that I don't want it to be. Now I'm here alone in my room, over-thinking things. I don't know who could give me the words that I needed to make me feel secure and comforted. That's when I decided to lie, just lie. I would just fake every bad things that's happening to me and pretend that everything is alright. I'll make everyone think that everything is okay when it's actually don't. I'll flash a fake smile to cover up all the problems I'm going through until I find someone who would truly care for what I feel. I rather keep everything to myself rather than having comfort from people who shows half-hearted comforts. I rather explode by myself with every bad things that's happening rather than venting it to others who don't really care.

Golden Rule

I just happen to notice, there are people who don't want to make themselves a laughing stock but made fun of others. I mean, how do you wish to earn respect from others if you can't even give respect to another person? It just sickened me to see how affected and insulted people are when others laugh at them but when it's their time to laugh at someone else, they don't even feel anything bothering. I'm really disappointed with this kind of people thinking that I felt bad when he got insulted when I told him that his friends are making fun of him just for the sake of jokes and laugh trips. Then, a day after that I found him making fun of another guy with bunch of bullies. Why do you think he has the guts to be insulted by simple jokes made by his friends when that insults were not even close to how much the bullied guy has ever had. I mean, at least he has true friends and the insults are just jokes and are never true but what the bullied guy have are insults that are half meant plus he don't even have true friends that truly care for him. 

Sorry for my poor English. I just wanted to share this thought. I guess this will be my shortest post for the blog. :) TPH

Fairy Tale... Wait... What?!

It's been a while since my last blog and I while I was thinking of something to blog before I blog my thingies for a course, I thought of this. Just when I thought I'm okay being better, I realized I want to be the best.. My hated things poisons my mind whenever I can't say everything out loud. This may not be a good idea but I guess as a blogger I am free to express myself to whatever reason, right? So, here we go.

Everyone of us have certain hated things in their mind and body. Some may be a little out of place but some are considerable. I can say that being me, a girl with an average height and a little over in weight that may be artistic but a little dramatic that may be a leader but not always a winner, you cannot help but to feel a little hateful about things that annoys you. The first thing that I, not actually hate but I never wanted to talk about it, is my weight. I know it must be my fault that's why I'm in this position but the worst thing that is always happening because of this ballast is that mean and feeling perfect people always tries to compare me with some ugly, even larger and inconsiderable lady who's not too distant to me. I hate being compared with other person. I know I am a mean person and being in the position where you hate being compare but because the person you're being compared to was your friend you cannot help but to just keep your mouth shut just to be civilized and to be not to discriminating. I've always been in that same spot where people can't help but to compare me with a girl that I cannot hate for being compared with. I am the kind of girl who doesn't want to be in the same level with others. It's always either you're one step lower than me or one step higher. Another thing that I surely hate is when I cannot express myself. When I know I have a point and I don't want to lose in an argument. But the worse scenario that you'll ever be caught on with this problem is when you have a friend that doesn't want to lose too in your argument and because you know you can be the evilest person just to win the argument, you just choose to keep your mouth shut again (I know I've always kept my mouth shut, now a days) just to nice to your friend. I'm not usually the compensating one but because you still can spell their mood swings, you just keep on being the nicer one. Another thing that I really hate and probably one of my worst insecurities is when there is someone you just know by name that has always think that they have the spot light directed on them. It's just freaking irritating when someone just thought that they are the most beautiful, most popular **** s****** girl in the campus. When they thought that they own the world and their smile can captivate every man's heart but in reality their ability to flirt around with people are the only reason men loves to hang out with them. Yes, I know everyone could hate it, but you know what I love about it? It is the thought that I can actually say dirty things about her that people around that person also sees. That was the only payback that I can get from an attention whore. lol. Another thing that I hate is there is a certain someone who's having almost everything that you have but you're not the one that people notice but that copy cat. Don't you think it stinks? Being the person who originally have everything but when another person tries to copy you, she was the complemented for it. Well, you know what's the only good thing that can happen to it? It is that even she tried to have everything that you have, she'll always be someone irrelevant. haha! And yes, I'm down to my last hated thing. That one thing that I either hate or love. The moment when the princess in the fairy tale was not you but someone really unexpected and the ugly duckling of the story wasn't the ugly duckling after all but it's you. I know, it sucks to feel that you own everything. That you are satisfied with everything that you have even if you don't have everything. But when little princess came, everything just swept away. Just when you thought she was just the supporting actress in your movie, it turned out that she will have everything you've always worked hard for and what she just did is just stand in front of everything and it became hers. She became the center of the story while you, the expected lead actress, became just an extra walking as a silhouette at the back of her. 

Well, anyways, enough of bitching around. lol. I know this was a very irrelevant post but spare my dramas, I just wanted to make an artwork out of the things that pollute my mind nowadays. Yes, this is an artwork. So thank you for everyone who read my story. It has been a pleasure to write something for you. Oh, BTW, the lesson of this blog: Control everything in your story. From the title page 1 up to the last or else you'll turn out like Rubi, damaged princess that lost everything because of wrong decisions.

PS: If you don't know Rubi, practically the lead role of her self-entitled Filipino TV series but the ending turned out to not for her. If you still can't understand, google it. It's worth it. TPH

Just a Little Cute Nightmare

I actually thought of blogging about Christmas and New Year but since I have no time uploading pictures from the said event, I can't do a blog about it. I'll just post a late blog about it when I have time, I swear. :)

Last night, I tried to review for my examination for Tuesday but because I had a long day, I felt my sleepiness earlier than the usual. So I decided to sleep. Well, sleep is just as normal as my other sleeping night except for one thing. I had this dream that made me smile a lot today but it also made me feel a real heartache. (Yea, seriously. I felt it the rest of the day!) My dream goes like this: I am in a room, familiar to me as if it was my home. I was together with a familiar cute looking guy. I don't know how it happened, but we actually became a couple in my dream. Well, I actually dreamed about this years ago to become real. haha. Anyways, we were kinda happy. We tried to hide that relationship with our relatives but my stingy brother discovered us together. I know right? This is crazy! haha. Oh well, and then we still continued our relationship not until I realized that he's still has his girlfriend. At first, I think I'm okay with it but thinking twice about it, it makes me bad. So I think about it thoroughly in my dreams and then I came up with my decision. I called him and told him that I'm not okay to have our relationship while he still has his girlfriend. What happened? He hang up his phone and then I felt really sad. I tried to go out with my friends just to keep my mind busy but I felt that I wanted to share my feelings about it but I thought that even though I already end our relationship, it was not right to have it on the first place thinking that I know his relationship with his girlfriend from the start. So I kept it to myself and for the whole time I was together with my friends, I was thinking that he should have called me up and told me that we can work out and he can end his relationship with his current girlfriend for me. But I'm sorry it never happened and voila. I woke up from my dream, feeling the heartache that I felt in the last part of my dream. Funny thing while I was in Highway 54 in front of SM Megamall, I was staring in the newly created carpark building created in front of the mall. I was thinking about the guy all the time! haha. I was also thinking about, what is the meaning of that dream, is he still happy with his girlfriend and so on. I haven't talked to him for age so I wouldn't know. Sadly, I was thinking that I want that dream to be real except for the fact that he never call me up again to say sorry and to start anew with me. haha.

I know this dream is crazy, but hello? This is indeed a dream! I never planned it to happen! haha. My point is, dream can be continued to reality just like what happened to me and that effin' feeling I felt. I just want to share it with you guys because as of the moment I can't share it with my friends. :) TPH