This past few days has been really hard for me. Mood keeps on swinging back and forth until I don't even know what I really feel. I've been feeling alone and worthless at some point. I don't like feeling like this. I'm a woman who loves herself more than anything else but why do I keep on feeling this way? It feels like I don't even know why I'm still here. I think this is depression. Feeling incomplete and over thinking a lot of things. I wish I knew what people are thinking about me. What they feel around me. I just want some reason to believe I'm not alone.
This maybe triggered by my problems. I don't know who to talk to and who can really make me feel secured. I kept on thinking that I'm always pushing myself to people. Having the thought that if I don't, they might not care for me at all. I've been in this state 3 years ago but that time, I was able to find people who really cared for me. But why can't I find someone right now? I made a dozen of new friends but why do I feel like I never gain any? I have a lot of problems. Problems that I want to vent in to someone but who? Months ago, I found new set of people who can make me feel important or I thought so. People who doesn't laugh at me because I'm a joke but laugh at me because I'm just really happy. I tried to cry in front of them. Well, I actually did. But it made myself even more funny in front of them. Crying without any good reason. I've been clingy to them not even realizing I'm forgetting venting on my long time friends who knew me more them. The moment I realized that I want to spend more time with my long time friends, they're gone. They became too distant that I don't even think I can reach to them at all. I tried saving it. Meeting them even just once would make me feel secure again. But why didn't I feel that way? Too emotional I guess.
Then there came the time that I had a problem. A problem that I don't even know how to solve. I tried telling people about it but why do I feel that they just half-heartedly comfort me? Telling me to cheer up, that it would never turn out the way that I don't want it to be. Now I'm here alone in my room, over-thinking things. I don't know who could give me the words that I needed to make me feel secure and comforted. That's when I decided to lie, just lie. I would just fake every bad things that's happening to me and pretend that everything is alright. I'll make everyone think that everything is okay when it's actually don't. I'll flash a fake smile to cover up all the problems I'm going through until I find someone who would truly care for what I feel. I rather keep everything to myself rather than having comfort from people who shows half-hearted comforts. I rather explode by myself with every bad things that's happening rather than venting it to others who don't really care.
